also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
