Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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