I wanna passion pit in your ass
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
