question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
