Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
