It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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