all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
