I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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