I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
