if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've created a new STD.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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