I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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