I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
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were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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