my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
