my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize