I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
