I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
