He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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