Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
