yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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