Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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