I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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