I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
