Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
