i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
