Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
