I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
