he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
