i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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