This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
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surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
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You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
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