News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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