i just sent this text using only my big toe
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
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Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
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I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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