My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
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You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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