I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
