so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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