I need help removing her.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
