I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
it hurts more in the daytime
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
