i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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