im drinking this country out of the recession.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
