i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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