maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
