i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
