Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
