Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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