how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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