I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
