Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
