You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
