Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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