And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
