Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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