it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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