Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
