Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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