Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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